'You will triumph over your enemy', said the Linux fortune. Will I really? Does that mean anything? Wait a minute, do I even have an enemy to triumph?
I disregard it all with half a smile.
That was a few days ago. Today, however, I'm in a crummy mood in which I remember all those esoteric things. I have an enemy of course, and it's a dire and persistent battle. Me Vs. Myself. A battlefield where victory is temporary, and meaningless. Where I will lose to my own self-criticism and my own self-doubt, with or without the help of others.
Trigger of self-doubt for the day:
I should really learn to keep my mouth shut around people who don't know me too well. Or at least, think harder about what I'm saying. It seems that I just can't phrase myself properly when I need to speak…
I wouldn't say I'm more misunderstood than the next guy, but… I'm disturbed by some misunderstandings more that I am of others.
We like to mess around with comparisons. I don't know why we developed that culture, but we do.
It turns out that it's hard for me to explain the view claiming that there's no point in comparing yourself to other people and their achievements.
I'm attempting to explain, that in my opinion, there's no point in trying to be better than everybody else, because there will always be someone better, nor is there a point in satisfying with being better than people around you – as that depends strongly on the people around you and scarcely provides an objective measurement.
It seems that people don't really like my saying either halves of the claim, and I can't help but feeling I have to rectify a bad impression caused by voicing my apparently unorthodox thoughts…
The serious problem lies with processing that knowledge.
See, I can't be subjected to these judgements, or I will never speak my mind (won't some people be thrilled… )
Whereas on the other hand, speaking my mind to a non-accepting audience, is not only futile (in the sense of making my point) – it's damaging. First and foremost to my relationships with these people, and second to my mood. I hate feeling like I do now – Like I did something wrong, like I should apologize, but knowing fully that the only person giving any meaning to any of this is me, I know my apology is likely to be as misunderstood as anything else that I said. I have this megalomaniac conception that people pay attention, care or bother to remember anything I've said, and though aware that the above conception is false, I still feel like shit in moments like this.
I will sign, thus, by the clear conclusion: I am my own worst enemy. Me, my fears, my anxieties, my desire to be appreciated and liked – All of which are poison in my veins. I never learned how to deal with myself. I don't know what will happen should I triumph my enemy.
All I know is that I hate traveling the realms of self-doubt.